DoA Secretary Mike Huebsch Press Release (what he was really thinking)

[This is an anonymous open source correction of a press release issued on Friday September 21, 2012, from DoA Secretary Mike Huebsch to Representative Chris Taylor. Since Mike didn’t get her letter, and it was so hard for him to find it, the author of this correction decided to enter a transcendental state to channel what Mike was actually thinking (in italicized print) while writing this letter. – Editors]

September 21, 2012

Dear Representative Taylor,

I received your message yesterday afternoon demanding (in that unmannerly tone of yours) an explanation as to why I had not responded to a letter from you that you said was dated September 12, 2012. I never received this correspondence from you (I threw it away).

Before writing this response, I checked with others (Walker made me) in my office to ensure we had not received your letter. I checked with our Administrative Assistants (the little people), our Deputy Secretary (the pretty man), our Executive Assistant (the person who really wrote this letter), our Communications Director (remember her?), our Chief Legal Counsel (the Koch brothers) and our Receptionist (I capitalize everything, switch tenses randomly and won’t be using the serial comma either). None of them had received it either (we thought it was junk mail and threw it away).

I accessed the Wheeler and WisPolitics reports online (my kids showed me how to use the Internet) and found a letter under your signature (I was holding it upside down at first) dated September 12, which (dependent clause) others from the Legislature had also signed (passive voice), and (run-on sentence) I assume that (dependent clause) this is the letter you are referring to (dangling participle – this is the letter, right? I’m still not sure).

It is clear you are exploiting this issue for your own political gain (since you are running unopposed) when you take the time to ensure your letter makes it into the hands (not feet) of the media, yet fail to ensure (it’s the only verb I know) a letter sent to me actually makes it to my office (I didn’t get the letter, I really didn’t).

Since I printed a copy of the letter from these websites (no one else was around to do it for me), let me respond to your issues overall (I am just going to ignore all your issues, make ad hominem attacks and whine a bunch more, bear with me there’s no editor so I can write whatever I want).

• First, I would like to thank Representative Pocan, Senator Miller, Representative Hebl, Representative Roys and Representative Hulsey, who signed your letter but have used the permit process themselves (we have them by the balls). Several of them have even applied for a permit this year to promote their own political campaigns. They inherently recognize that Capitol Police issue permits regardless of the political party, affiliation, or content (okay I’ll use the serial comma once). It is difficult to argue that the Capitol Police have an agenda (it’s my agenda) to limit free speech or somehow oppose political dissent when they have approved these permits. 

• While it does not relieve the responsibility to obtain a permit, I agree that some of the Solidarity Singers (the ones who stay home) are peaceful (obedient). Yet, as acknowledged in your letter (I’m making this next part up), we all recognize that there is a group of these individuals (planted troublemakers) who harass staff and visitors at the Capitol. These individuals have regularly demonstrated poor behavior (that we instigated, encouraged, and willfully ignored) for more than a year and a half under the guise of free speech. 

• Your overall comments in the media and included in your letter (don’t ask me what they are, I’m still not sure this is the right letter) question the actions of the Capitol Police (even though you wrote the letter to me) for issuing citations (taking people to jail just because I said so) or other displays (balloons scare me). The Administrative Code (Moses brought it down from Mount Sinai on two stone tablets) is clear that you must receive a permit in order to display items at the Capitol (even though you’re not displaying them if you hold it with your hands, we’re still going to call it that). Therefore, the regular group of people who come to the Capitol each day (they won’t go home) is required to get a permit, as upheld in a recent Dane County Court decision (we only undermine the judiciary most of the time). 

• Individuals holding signs will not be cited (pinky swear), unless those signs pose a safety risk (have two by fours and metal pipes weighing them down), the person is engaged in other prohibited behavior (they are present), or is interfering with a permitted event (supporting them and participating in an event qualifies as interference). 

• There is a regular group (don’t make me name names) who come to the Capitol each day at the same time, same location (but we need a permit to know they’re coming for sure), complete with song books (indoctrination!). There is no logical or reasonable individual (straight, married, Christian, Republican land-owning male) who is going to believe that this group is now comprised of individuals who just happen to come together at the same time each day (waaaaaaaahhh!). The various leaders of this group (Steve who?) have been asked for nearly a year (since the new State Facilities Access Policy was issued) to get a permit for their activities.

Chief Erwin has been clear that he will sign the permit if (he has to take it out himself) there is not already a scheduled event, the permit is free (we’ll be charging $50/hour per cop), and the Capitol Police have not charged any protest group (like those legislators I mentioned above) for police services, even though the ability to charge for services has been part of Wisconsin state law since 1971 (so it’s free except we will charge you, and we always could, the law says so, so there!). If the group continues to protest and display banners or signs without a permit, they may be cited (at their homes, workplaces or by mail) as noted in the Administrative Code.

• This is not a free speech issue (I’m so funny!); the issue is following the permit process so that not just a small group, but all the citizens of our state (no Mexicans or Canadians), can share the Capitol space. If the group applies for a permit (submits to our intimidation and harassment), and the event is peaceful (people are obedient), the group will have reserved the space to sing and display signs (no banners) without being cited (right away like we usually would but we still might send a Candygram anyways).

If the group continues to fail to get a permit, then they may be cited under the appropriate section of the Administrative Code. These citations may change because (we have no idea what the code means ourselves so we’re just going to charge them with violating the whole thing just to be safe) it should reflect the behavior being cited (be as unrelated as possible).

• Citations have been issued or sent to the homes of some protestors[sic] to avoid further confrontation during the noon hour (because we are cowardly chickenshits and can’t stand watching your videos anymore). The Capitol Police have a limited amount of staff (except when we call in the State Patrol and DNR conservation wardens and rangers), and their goal is to have the group get a permit (let the cops sit around, eat doughnuts and watch the camera feed from the bathrooms), not to escalate the conflict (have our actions covered by the press). It is not unusual (to be loved by anyone) for a police department to send or issue citations after an incident has taken place (this is the first time we ever tried this, nobody does this for citations, we did it first boo yah!), and the Capitol Police have done so in the past (Bwa ha ha!), just like any other professional (rent-a-cop) police department.

Let me say this clearly, while I have a hand in setting the policy (I wanted to do this since last year), I do not make the enforcement decisions (Erwin is our fall guy)  for the Capitol Police or Chief Erwin, yet I support their efforts (I’m their boss). If there are individuals or groups who clearly violate the laws of Wisconsin (like the Governor, me, Erwin, and the Capitol Police) while under the Rotunda or anywhere else under the jurisdiction of these officers (from Lake Geneva to Madeline Island), it is within their (our) purview to uphold (break) the law. It is their responsibility to do so (I will fire all the police if they don’t do as I say).

This is no longer a situation where thousands of people have come to the Capitol to protest. Of course, all of the officers who assisted during an unprecedented time in our state’s history (we broke the law and got away with it na na na na na na!) moved from enforcing the law to ensuring the protests were safe. These officers upheld (ooh I found out how to make the text bold!) the first amendment (trampled it, pissed on it, spit on it and ate it while I watched) so that the protestors’ [sic] voices could be heard (silenced), and that they were safe (in handcuffs) while doing so.

We are not talking about thousands spontaneously meeting at the Capitol (or else I would order the building closed to the public like I did last year). The Capitol Police are asking a small group that meets regularly to get a permit for their activity, which has been a requirement since 1979 (I’m bold and beautiful). A permit is required (have I said that already?), regardless of the nature of the content (or whatever the Wisconsin and U.S. Constitutions say). All members of the Capitol Police are civil servants (new uniforms and freshly shaven!) including the Chief (he wears a suit though and won’t identify himself as a police officer), and to imply that any actions of the officers are politically motivated is irrational (common sense) and unfounded (spot on accurate).

Perhaps the real issue at hand is that we all see the Capitol Police as the friendly officers who are at the Capitol every day (be nice to them, we don’t pay them jackshit and make them do stupid things all the time). Historically, the permit process has been followed (except for the last year and a half), thus the Capitol Police have never been in a situation where they needed to take enforcement action (except the last year and a half and in the past before that a whole bunch of times we’re going to pretend never happened either). When there were thousands of protestors [sic] at the Capitol, the officers ensured the crowd was safe (watched the bathroom cameras and tried to hide from the real police who came in, took over, and did their job for them). The Capitol Police made the correct decision (UW-Madison Police took control since we couldn’t) to prioritize safety (save face) instead of enforcing the permit process at that time. Enforcement would have been unrealistic (a political liability) and unreasonable (against the word of God) for any police force (glorified rent-a-cop) to undertake.

We are not in those times anymore (we stole the elections and got away with it). The actions of a relative few (we’re fuzzy on the math) require the Capitol Police to take enforcement actions for their continued failure to follow the Administrative Code that governs the building. I support Chief Erwin’s (my) goal of returning the Capitol to a sense of normalcy (close it to the public) for those who work and visit the Capitol (only if you’re a Walker associate who doesn’t want to be seen in public).

As a legislator, you expect that the laws you write to be upheld (you’re funny too!). The laws that govern the Capitol building (we wrote those, suckers), which includes the right to free speech (I wrote the Wisconsin and U.S. Constitutions myself), as well as the permit process. It is a process used by several who signed your letter (you all signed it but I’m only going to say it’s your letter). Rather than encouraging the group to hold out on getting a permit (commit violence like we were hoping you would incite them to do), I would expect legislators to uphold Wisconsin’s Administrative Code, and the permitting process has been part of the code since 1979.

This is an issue of sharing the Capitol space (this is an attempt to quash political dissent forever in the center of state government). It is the people’s building (the rich white men’s clubhouse, some women tolerated if we absolutely must), not the building for a select few.

Sincerely (Go to hell),

Mike Huebsch

Secretary (God)

Department of Administration (Shadow government)